At the place that won’t let me forget

The night I met Heather

Heather was a 50 years old, very beautiful extraordinary woman. We’ve met in Montville (Queensland, Australia) and had a really interesting and open conversation. Right before I came to Australia, I’ve been travelling through Indonesia, so she asked me about that and then about life in general.

Before she asked THE question

About that unsettling feeling

Eventually, I told her all about my unsettled feeling that I was having since I can remember, and how that feeling of my inner “compass” has changed in the last 4 or 5 years. It became more intense, almost unbearable. I knew there is some kind of a quest I needed to undertake, I just didn’t have any idea what exactly that was!

Life was passing by, I was going places with my husband and it took me a while to “catch” a repeated pattern of what is happening in me when we travel and how is that related to the “quest” itself. I realised I feel differently at different spots on this planet! However, that insight came only after we would come back to certain spots (it was a little town in France where I first caught a pattern! It was like, wow, I remember this feeling… I have only felt it HERE! The smell, the colours, the sound of it….I perceive things differently here, I want to do different things than I’d want to do at other places etc. Why is that so?… The questions began to rise…..) and then each time I’d return to Croatia, I’d just forget all about it. Each and every time  I forgot and was sucked deeply into this place’s “gravity”. Into its own truth that was draining my body and soul, because it wasn’t MY truth as well. I never belonged to this place and it is a scar I’m carrying. Especially because I thought maybe I don’t belong anywhere.  And that’s one dangerous thought.  

That little compass embedded in my soul had nothing to do with my personality, nor my thinking or personal preferences nor with my personal stories. It wasn’t affected by it. However, my body’s reaction towards the place I am at, would produce (through its biochemistry) – different thought patterns etc, so yes, eventually all would become similar or the same at the same place, no matter how hard I tried to change it. It’s almost like each place has a certain type of a gravity and some “gravity types” support you, some are straining you, some are so mellow that you have a complete choice what to do without either being supported or strained, etc…… I won’t go into what is the place really. Is it the sum of the general vibe of the people there or vice versa (would everyone ended up similarly at the same surroundings?) Or is it the different language usage that is certainly changing our perception as well? Is it rooted in history? I yearn to understand this!

“It’s all within you”…. really?

When I first mentioned this to some of my friends, they’d always keep telling me – it’s all in you, you just carry yourself wherever you go and that unsettling feeling is – YOU! So, yeah, I kept believing it too.

Until each time when I’d go somewhere I’ve never been before, my “compass” would change its “vibe” into completely different one. And it wasn’t in a logical sense. Sometimes I’d feel really good and have a time of my life, but compass wouldn’t be at ease. There were also quite the opposite instances where I wouldn’t like a place at all, but I would feel good, nevertheless, deep down.

Only people who travel a lot or people who immigrated from their home country – could relate to what I was saying. But, since I live in a country that has no real travelling culture, I guess it’s logical for that particular mindset never to consider – going away and explore and connect more dots about themselves & a human nature? I know, being aware of “our compass” can bring a lot of complications to our lives. You can’t live on an autopilot after you’ve acknowledged the compass. (Or maybe you can with lots of alcohol or some other stimulants? I guess so, but that isn’t an option for me. I am present and aware at all times. That’s why I perceive so deeply that it hurts.. but hey.. that’s why I make music… it can’t go one without the other)

My shields

Eventually, I found the name for the peace effect of my compass. I started to call it “home”.

One thing I’d like to add is – that there were certain things that would somehow serve as a shield for me. Shield from the places I didn’t belong to. Only two things. Making music & being in arms of my husband. So, yes my home is music and my home is my family, but it bugged me how “attached” I started to feel, almost obsessed with both love and music. And I just needed to find out who I am without a shield(s). Who am I without music, without loved ones, who am I completely alone in an unknown. And how do I feel without all these elements that are actually staying in a way to my experiment regarding inner compass reaction towards the outer world? Where does my compass want to be – without the help of shields? Is there a place where this sensitive soul can be at peace, without any remedy, any help, any shield, even love in a romantic sense? That’s when I decided to fly away to Asia (as an unknown culture and vibe to me….) completely alone. My backpack and me.

She asked

I told Heather all about that since the process of transforming thoughts into words flew naturally in her company. I didn’t think for a ms before I would say anything. That’s how it is when someone is truly interested in every word you say.

We came out to the terrace and although the weather wasn’t doing the view any favours it was still spectacular. We both gazed in awe into the beauty in front of us. We enjoyed the silence for quite a while until she made a pleasant crescendoing interruption with the question.

– So. Did you find it?

– What?

It almost seemed as if I just woke up from a deep sleep.

– Your true home!
– Oh! Yes. I’ve found it.

She looked thrilled!

– Aaaaand? Where is it?

She kept looking me directly into my eyes. My mind twirled into retrospection like I was a dying man in a movie.

All the little visuals made of their hands, his arms, hugs, kisses, islands, seas, songs and the oceans…. all the things I used to call a home.

All of that exploded into the silence that made me speechless. I couldn’t produce a thought, less so a word.
It was partially due to wine and partially due to my silent promise that I will speak only from my heart with this woman.
She was patiently looking at me, curious, but in a way supporting my inner search for the right word so she repeated a question a bit softer.

-Anita, is it here? Is it Australia? She smiled.
Is it in Croatia? Now she made a doubtful face.

– I can’t find the right word.
– What do you mean? You don’t need the right word girl!
– Heather, you know, I…
– Anita. Where is it? Where is your true home?

We kept looking into each other’s eyes in a silence all until my heart unexpectedly expressed itself in words.
– It’s everywhere!

She smiled proudly like she was my oldest friend knowing about my each and every quest I’ve undertaken by now.

– Hey, girl, you didn’t expect that, did you?
– Not in a million years. I had a mission, I was searching for the right place….
– and you found a home…
– everywhere.

At the place that won’t let me forget

– Where are you going to live?
– At the place that won’t made me forget my home is everywhere.
– Is it here?
– I believe it is. Yes.
– Let’s celebrate it with the best carrot cake!

 

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